Saturday, November 22, 2008

The Surreal Life

Henry is feeling great. He wasn't at all last month, but he's taking some palliative chemotherapy at home that is really doing wonders. I haven't heard him laugh so much in months, maybe ever. It's amazing, and fabulous, and remarkable, and all of those other words rolled into one.

It makes dealing emotionally with his impending demise hard, almost impossible. It feels like we can keep coasting and doing this forever. Cognitively I know we can't, but to look at him feeling better and better every day, incurable cancer is not something that my mind is embracing right now.

Not that I'm complaining. It's been a deep breath, a break from the constant sorrow. I'm not a very good denial type of person, I know reality will once again take hold. But for now I've decided I'm going to roll with it, pick up the denial and run with it as long as I can.


JeanMac said...

Run, Doc, run! So glad to hear he is making you smile - in our thoughts everyday. Take care.

Eric, AKA The Pragmatic Caregiver said...

I don't randomly hug people I only know as electrons, so I won't, but I totally share with you that sense of denial over doom.

I know, intellectually, that my mom is living on borrowed time and that every day between median survival and the Long Tail is a rare and precious gift from a declining supply. As hard as I try, I can't "un-eat the apple" - I took a bite from the fruit of the tree of knowledge, and I'm cursed with knowing how these things end, too.

I do the same thing you're doing - I look for the good days, I approach every not-so-good day as a speedbump and not a progression down a slope, and I am doing my damnedest to have a semblance of normal through the holidays.

Here's to hope.


kcd said...

dear dr smak,

that is good news indeed. you know,i'm an only child and my dad was my world, and he died 10 days before my 10th birthday. he was my best pal, and i was not close to my mom.

somehow when he died, within days i KNEW that i had made the best decision to love him like crazy no matter how much it hurt. and it hurt for a long time. it's a great gift to know that at age 10. so i say enjoy every giggle. the movie and play Shadowlands have part of that in it - there is a line that goes "the joy now is a part of the grief then." so be in the joy!! so glad you can. kind intentions and thoughts coming your way from


rlbates said...

Not sure I can add anything to the comments above. Take all the joy and laughter you can!!!

Anonymous said...

when Henry laughs, we all laugh.
Miss Susan

...tom... said...


I, on the other hand, do try to embrace others on the web; if only with a few words and a kind thought.

Sometimes ... that is all we have to offer.

In my thoughts.


Dragonfly said...

Good to hear that he is laughing. It is a beautiful sound.