Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Fragile

It is with the heaviest of hearts that I tell you that Henry's cancer is back.

He's feeling ok right now, and we will be pursuing whatever options help to extend his life and keep him happy and comfortable.

We are all coping as well as can be expected.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Take a pill

I've never "taken a pill".

Like most family histories, there's some psychiatric disease in mine. Nothing real exciting, but some depression, some alcoholism. I've never had a tendency toward either.

When Henry got sick, my husband and I made a pact that if either of us thought the other needed "a pill" we would agree without arguing. We figured we needed to be able to lean on each other as much as possible.

I never got there. I guess I sort of hit battle mode; there was a job to do and I was going to do it. The job could have been staying up all night with Henry, taking care of the girls, fitting in some work time, trying to keep the house running, making it until Henry was back out of the hospital. Life was chopped up into small tasks. I actually think medical school and residency helped me with it in that I learned then that you can do anything for a period of time. Keep working hard and soon it will be over.

I knew then that I'd have more trouble in remission. I was right. I'm not doing great. I mean, I'm holding it together, working, doing my home stuff, my kid stuff. I'm even doing some "me" stuff, and being able to enjoy it. But I gotta tell you, this is tough.

I keep wondering if a pill would help. I don't meet any of the criteria for a depressive or anxiety disorder. I think that what I'm experiencing is probably normal, expected. I feel good a lot of the time, but I'm very labile. If he cries a certain way, I'm tossed back into things that happened in the hospital. When he refuses to eat, I sit and silently spin on whether that means it's back. When he says he's got a headache, it's not good. When I think about our next MRI, it's not good.

But just how good can I expect to feel? Wouldn't anyone do this? Is it possible that I am coping optimally, it just can't get any better under this circumstance?

Ugh. Bummer post. Lest you all worry, I am seeing a counselor next week to discuss this very question. Best not to try to be your own doctor.