Monday, January 31, 2011

Forgetting

It's been a long time since I've blogged.

I haven't felt the need. I've thought of it many times, but I've not craved the release that this blog gives me.

This belies that things are going well. I was going to say better, but really, things are going well. Grief is settling in to the back seat of my life, always there, but not much in the way. I can navigate around it most of the time. I still show it the respect it deserves, as I find that if I ignore when it starts to ask for attention, things can get out of hand. Small doses of it seem to keep it manageable.

I continue to have some very dark times, but they are less frequent, and the good times are really good now. The girls are great. I'm so pleased with Mr. Smak's progress; I'm seeing joy from him now too, and it was a long time coming.

It's beginning to build again. The second anniversary of Henry's death is near the end of February. I had considered trying a distraction technique this year, not talking or thinking about it much, like the dentist who talks your ear off while he extracts your tooth. This weekend the girls asked what we were going to do, so that coping strategy is off the table.

My middling said, "I feel like we're forgetting about him sometimes." I do too. I have still not learned how to balance the remembering with the pain. I cannot separate them.

I don't know what we'll do. Last year we all went to a museum together; the distraction and family time was useful for us, but it caught me eventually, and it was a very difficult day in the end. It is a day to remember, even if it hurts.

3 comments:

rlbates said...

Missed your posts. Glad to hear you and the rest of the Smaks are doing better, finding some joy....

Sybil said...

Glad to see you back with us again. It is so good to get your news about the rest of the family.
Love Sybil x

...tom... said...

...

A new post..!!

you said...
"It's been a long time since I've blogged."

. . .and dont think we aint noticed..!!


you said...
"Small doses of it seem to keep it manageable."

...smalllol... That phenomenon is not unknown to you I am sure.


you said...
"This weekend the girls asked what we were going to do, so ..."

I find that oddly touching. Or perhaps not so oddly....


you said...
"I have still not learned how to balance the remembering with the pain. I cannot separate them. "

I imagine that you never will; to me they would seem hopelessly entangled. A Gordian know that no amount of reason or logic could ever hope to untie.


you said...
"... and it was a very difficult day in the end. It is a day to remember, even if it hurts."

You can always talk to us ...we are good listeners..!!


Cyberhugs, as always, to you and yours.



...tom...
.